Some call it burnout…I call it torment
Burnout…Torment…
It’s the best word I can think of to describe what I’m feeling.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do anything. I have tried to write you this email 20 or more times and it still feels like it would be easier to base jump from the empire state building or walk across the continent barefoot than type one more word. Any real or perceived demand has me frozen, my nervous system stuck in endless activation.
Burnout is an issue that plagues every human, but those of us who have experienced complex trauma or fall on the neurodivergent spectrum (or both) are especially susceptible.
What does burnout feel like for me?
My insides feel like they’re on fire and I’m constantly on the verge of crying or screaming, but it’s stuck within me. My body and brain are exhausted and restless at the same time – constantly reliving thoughts, emotions, or scenarios that remind me of my failures and shortcomings, but unable to complete basic tasks or endure much sensory input.
I have a DO TO list a mile long and all I can manage to do is sit and stare at the wall, occasionally crying or searching out my next hit of cheap dopamine (i.e. – candy, mindless tv, shopping, alcohol, cannabis, or you-name-it) that might ease my suffering. Everything feels like too much. Like it will never stop being too much. Like I will never be enough to handle it all.
And so I sit here. I don’t want to put on clothes, brush my hair, or feed myself. On the outside I look lazy, but on the inside I am an all-consuming electrical storm of neurons and shame. I am immobilized.
I didn’t start out here. Who does?
I started the month of August hopeful, motivated, and energetic in a way that I haven’t known myself to be in years. I started out with a bag full of awesome coping skills and the clarity to use them often and unapologetically. I walked knowingly into the intensity of life, excited and confident that I could face it.
I knew I was taking a chance.
Teaching 22 live free classes a week, working part time in HR/Payroll to pay the bills, building a fence to prep for a doggy, finishing the basement to make more room for our kids, celebrating my birthday, conquering the first week back at school with the kids, and I was on top of the world!
I was watching myself take on a TON while also exercising healthy boundaries to protect my nervous system and make space for rest. For a moment I thought I found the secret sauce, that maybe, just maybe, I could not only survive, but flourish in the midst of the wild and immense expectations of parenthood and life.
But the universe is always challenging us with opportunities to expand and grow. Opportunities to heal our inner trauma and live a life that honors our worthiness – and those opportunities are often quite uncomfortable. Those opportunities often look a lot like suffering.
So, on an ordinary Monday night in late August, the universe asked me to grow – and my world fell apart.
What happened??
Our 18 year old told us they were moving out.
Now, should it be surprising? No. But I wasn’t ready. Not even a little bit. I had imagined it happening SO differently that my nervous system was instantly dysregulated beyond my learned coping skills.
The news triggered a very old pain and fear that lives within me and I found myself spiraling.
In a hot second, it was like all my healing work had never happened. I couldn’t cope. My nervous system finally found a trigger so deeply activating that all of my practicing couldn’t bring me back into embodiment.
So, I reached out to another professional for help.
Coregulation is one of our most powerful and underrated tools for nervous system healing.
When the feelings are too intense for you to process by yourself, another human being’s nervous system can be a powerful anchor for your own. Keeping you grounded in the midst of the storm.
Simply being in the presence of another nervous system at peace, invites our own dysregulated system to also settle into a more peaceful state. This allows us to navigate hard feelings or choices with more space and ease, and maybe even to learn and grow from them.
This is just further proof that we weren’t meant to do this whole life-thing by ourselves. We were meant to go through the many ups and downs of life – TOGETHER.
So, if you’re needing some co-regulation, if life is feeling a little too intense and you can’t seem to shake it off or your compassionate coping skills are hard to find…let’s hang out.
It doesn’t matter if it’s burnout, anger, fear, sadness or shame that keeps your nervous system activated, there is room for every big feeling on your mat. <3 You can roll yours out next to mine <3
Maybe you show up for some movement, maybe just to talk. Maybe both. You decide what you need and I’m delighted to meet you there.
See you soon,
Danaé Kelley
P.S. – We have a new October – December weekly schedule!
I will be adding special events as weeks go by, but this will be our standard weekly class schedule for the next 3 months.
I THINK I made it so that all Zoom links will be the same each week for each class, starting in October. It is a project that, Jacqi Rose, has been guiding me through and assisting with. I am no IT genius, so there will be bumps, but the goal is to create ease in accessibility for our community here and in Discord. If links fail or you can’t get into Zoom classes, please email me at danae@allbodiesyogastudio.com
P.P.S. – I will post those “forever” Zoom links in Discord and you can simply go and click on them to join a class each week instead of registering. This is great for those who are overstimulated by the registration process or those who are monthly members looking to join live classes with as little effort as possible. Whatever…however…it’s all good as we try out this new method for class links. Want to join Discord? Click here.
P.P.P.S. – You can still sign up for classes and get reminders via email or text! This is a GREAT option for those of us who get distracted (me) and need gentle reminders. Just click the sign up button below.
P.P.P.P.S. – If you want to support the virtual studio and this growing community of humans healing, you can donate when you register for a class – OR – become a monthly member by clicking here.
86% of our students attend classes for FREE. 14% of students make it possible for ALL of us to do this work. 14% of students pay for ABY’s internet access, Zoom & OfferingTree subscriptions, the heating and electricity in the tiny studio, the ABY website and hosted email, and so much more. We wouldn’t have access to this healing work or this community without you…so THANK YOU! You know who you are <3
